Three Core Questions Every Couple Should Ask — and Why They Matter

Introduction

Communicating well in a relationship is rarely intuitive — it’s a skill that deepens over time. One effective way to build communication is to lean on a few carefully chosen, powerful questions. Below are three core questions therapists often invite couples to explore together. They act like “portals” into deeper understanding, vulnerability, and relational connection.

1.“What do you feel I don’t understand about you?”

• This question invites humility and curiosity.
• It gives your partner space to voice assumptions, misinterpretations, or emotional gaps they believe you harbor.
• Therapists often use this question to shift couples from complaint to exploration: instead of “You never hear me,” the question becomes “What do I need to hear that I’m missing?”
• In practice: Let your partner speak uninterrupted. Reflect back (“What I hear you saying is …”) before you respond.

2.“What hurts the most when we fight — and why?”

• Conflict often triggers old wounds, not just the “here and now.”
• Asking this helps surface the emotional undercurrent (e.g. fear of abandonment, shame, betrayal) rather than staying stuck in surface-level fights about chores or time.
• Therapists sometimes call this exploring the “emotional wound beneath the behavior.”
• In practice: Naming the hurt doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it helps both partners see the pain driving the reaction.

3. “What is the deepest longing you have for our relationship?”

• This is a forward-oriented, visioning question.
• It helps shift from problem-focus (“What’s wrong?”) to aspiration (“What do we want to move toward?”).
• When both partners articulate longings (e.g. safety, trust, fun, growth), they can co-create small steps toward them.

In practice: Hold this question in a gentle tone. Let the answer be provisional and evolving, not a rigid demand.

If you ever feel stuck, a therapist can help track patterns that prevent safe sharing and support your journey toward greater closeness.

If you’re ready to explore these conversations in a safe and supportive space, I’d be honored to help. You can learn more or reach out for a consultation through Center for Healing and Resilience https://chr-northfield.com.